Who Will Fill My Lap?


Who will fill my empty lap? Around 5 years ago I became acutely aware of how fast childhood was going for my girls. I sensed the days of my lap having children in it were passing, almost imperceptibly. The heartache I knew would follow those days stalked me.

It is a difficult season to have your children outgrow your physical body. To push away as they mature, becoming young adults, yet needing to be able to jump back in when life got tough was, is, natural.

Mentally I get it.

But the longing stays. My body still aches with remembrance of the cuddles of my children.

There are new things now, exciting, fascinating dynamics in our mother/child relationships. These current experiences are wonderful too, in a different way. I enjoy their developing personalities, the strength of the wings that are starting to lift them away.

But my body remembers what my mind can forget. The precious feel of a child in your arms, the smell of their hair, the feel of grubby little fingers holding your cheeks, the “i yuv you” lingo. My physical longing is my reminder to pray thankful words to God. For the chance. For the good days, and with some distance, even for the difficult ones.

Who will fill my empty lap?

My wings are also gaining maturity. I will fly into a new season along with my children. Not after them, although I pray they’ll always be in sight, but into the winds of change God has in mind for this woman.

My lap empties and my wings begin to spread.

And for now, I will stretch those around my children as far as I can reach, for as long as I am able. And I will sneak sniffs of their freshly washed hair, and remember…the years of a full lap.


About christasterken

Committed to a life of purpose. Learning to live abundantly. Embracing creativity. Questioning. Delighting in the comforts of home and family. Determining not to settle only for how things are, but how they could be. Writing is part of who I am, so I trust In God who gave the gift to show me how I can serve Him through it. That is my life…one word at a time. Psalm 89:11a“Teach me your way , O Lord, and I will walk in your truth”

9 responses »

  1. Such a beautiful post full of love and remembrance and an awareness of shifting seasons. The very last line is the key…learn to be “sneaky” to get the physical touch a mom will ALWAYS crave. I still grab my 2 sons for hugs and hold them longer than needed and they are 26 and 30 years old!! (Now my lap is longing for grandchildren one of these days.)
    Tickle attacks work well also!
    Blessings, susie

  2. We have a sweet shiba inu dog at our house looking for a lap to occupy. His hair doesn’t smell quite as nice as your children’s, I imagine, but he is good company. What do you think?

  3. Oh, those are hard days. I have my grandchildren now to sit on my lap and give me the hugs and lovies. I still miss the days when it was my own daughters sitting on my lap. They may spread their wings but they will always be there.

  4. Christa, the memories you have. They all get awakened the day you’re handed a child that looks like one of yours. Every memory I had carefully folded away sprung to life and I enjoy it again and again. Loved, this piece. Thanks, Christa.

  5. Well, dear daughter, you have been gifted with the insight to savor every possible moment your daughters have shared with you. (Even when they didn’t know it, or wanted to.) You have been presented a gift too few mothers have known to reach out to grasp! (AND even fewer dads!) Don’t dwell on the loss, for new relationships are coming… be thankful for what you have cherished and know that, all too soon, a new season will come.

  6. Pingback: 12 Popular Posts From 2012- A Peaceful Way To Enjoy The Evening

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